Grief, Alexithymia, and Dissociation

First, a few definitions.

Alexithymia is a condition, very common in autistic people, where one cannot identify their own emotional state. They do feel emotions, but expressing those emotions, identifying what those emotions even are is extremely difficult at best.

Dissociation is when one feels detached from their emotional state, mental state, or physical state, or even from reality itself. This is not to be mistaken with a false perception of these things, simply a detachment from them.

I am autistic. I have to deal with alexithymia. I also frequently find myself dissociating.

The past few days I have been in an interesting mental state. I have been finding it much harder than normal to stick to my routines, to get things done, to be "functioning". Emotionally, I feel like everything is fine. Physically and mentally, I am having very clear symptoms of something. First of all, I am dissociating regularly. I can't focus. I feel very tired, but I cannot get to sleep or stay asleep. I hurt, not in that I feel pain but in that I just feel... unwell. My mood is depressed (but I would distinguish this from emotions, classifying it more with mental state than emotional state).

These symptoms started, as one may guess, with the announcement that cohost is closing down. Clearly I appear to be experiencing grief. Physically and mentally, I am experiencing symptoms which are likely manifestations of grief towards a beloved platform of two years shutting down. Emotionally, I've felt perfectly fine. I accepted some time ago that all things will end, both the good and the bad. I am maintaining this with the closure of cohost, and emotionally I feel fine. It would be dishonest to say I'm not sad, but it's not something I am particularly preoccupied with or concerned about. I will survive. We all will survive. We can move forwards.

It is an interesting experience. Logically, I can identify the signs that I am likely feeling some form of grief. I can point to the symptoms, I can point to the cause, the connection feels clear. Emotionally, I don't feel it.

I can't tell if this is alexithymia or dissociation. Perhaps it is both?

When one does not feel their emotions in the "normal" way, how does one process them? I don't want to bury it and repress, not that these emotions are particularly likely to be traumatizing should they be repressed. I would like to process these emotions.

Perhaps what I need is a good opportunity to cry about it. I just don't feel like crying. Perhaps some time in the next few days it will all hit and the tears will flow. Perhaps what I am in is shock.

Time will tell, I suppose!